Yet another day has passed me by.  The time in my life seems to drag and fly as it pleases.  Already we have been here six months, with nine more still to go.  Kuwait seems so long ago; then again, so does my enlistment––only nineteen months ago.  My days as a adolescent are drawing to an end, while my youth wastes away.  Strangely, it seems as though I am having a mid-life crisis at eighteen.  Or maybe I am merely nostalgic.  I see my school peers going on to post-secondary school, doing things with they’re lives, while I get a nominal sum to be a grunt.  I think to myself everyday, What if I did things different? What do I make of myself now?  True, I am an ex-junkie and alcoholic, I was close to becoming a convicted felon, and I’ve been in other non-beneficial scenarios.  I am the offspring of people that can’t be accepted by society or themselves.  I am a product of institutionalism in bureaucratic America.  But, honestly, does that make a valid excuse?  Sure, because of choices my mother had made, I had become used to minimalist living: white walls, concrete floor, one or two white lawn chairs, and a rug-like blanket seemed like home.  And in some correctional facilities had cable in the cells.  What a life!  But really, all I had become was a let down.  A waste of talent.  I had let the darkness in my heart consume me.  And when I became tired of fighting it, I would drown it under downers and psychotropic drugs.  And to what end?  I enlisted in an army that was fighting a war that really doesn’t make sense.  I am truly useless now. Ha.   Its almost as if I have manipulated myself into invalidity.  The things we do in this battle rotation are pointless and redundant.  And yes, some of the things we have had our hands in have met acclaim on a level too high for any of us to hear it personally, but really, its all been wasted effort.  The people of Iraq have capital, it is perhaps the one thing the country does not lack.  However, resources and gumption are areas in which there are major deficiencies.  And that’s not to mention the continual strife between Shiites and Sunnis, one backed by militias, the other the Iraqi Army.  Corruption runs rampant throughout the government, and favorites are played.  Leaders have lost control and support of their followers and are now null.  And the longer we stand guard and watch these events unfold, the more we think, and think, and think….and a lot of people realize the predicament we are in.  So, the question I find myself mulling over is simply this: how can one live with one’s self under such circumstances of self-loath?